Forever
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Fears. They can paralyze. We need faith in something, someone...we need faith in forever.


Jimmy bolted awake in the darkness of the hotel room. He hated hotel rooms. He'd practically lived in them since he'd left the bunkhouse of the Pony Express but he hated them all the same. For a while, he and Rosemary had gotten a little house and lived almost as man and wife. It drew less suspicion was what she had said but he knew that she enjoyed it just a little. Not that she was a doting wife but having their own space and being free to explore their passions from time to time was something she enjoyed.

He never played at wanting to marry her either. He didn't want to. Hell, most of the time he didn't really want to share her bed either. She was good in bed and knew how to please a man and sometimes he was glad of that. But the vast majority of the time he wished she was someone else. And he didn't mean just anyone else. He had a specific somebody in mind. It was a specific somebody that would scandalize a nation if anyone knew…a specific somebody who was right now in his arms in this hotel room in this town he couldn't even remember the name of.

The name of the town didn't matter. The name of the man did. William F. Cody. Colonel Buffalo Bill to his adoring fans. Will or Billy or sometimes even darlin' to Jimmy. The man who held Jimmy's heart in his hand. It was frightening to think of anyone having that power over him but Will never abused it. He was gentle with fragile things like few would guess. He knew the fragility of Jimmy's heart and cradled it close to him. He was soft and tender and beautiful. The years had changed both of them. They were both a little worse for wear. There were lines in faces that were once smooth. They no longer deftly vaulted into their saddles but climbed up deliberately. And Jimmy knew his eyes were failing him too. Will covered for him with others and read to him and for him and never mentioned out loud why. For all the years could change in them, Will's open and caring nature would never change. Their love would never really change.

Jimmy wasn't sure what had awakened him but he was scared and jittery. He never felt completely solid anywhere and least of all in hotels but he thought he'd been sleeping well. He and Will had made love and fallen asleep worn out and contented from it. But now he was terrified and didn't even know why. He just clung to Will in the dark.

Cody was roused from sleep by a dream that he was being crushed to death. Upon fully waking, he realized it was merely the death grip of his lover. It wasn't the first time he'd awakened this way. Jimmy was prone enough to bad dreams and when they woke him, he could be spooked for a good while afterward.

"Baby," Cody whispered. He'd learned through the years not to startle Jimmy when he was in a state like this. "Baby, what's the matter? I'm right here. Talk to me."

It seemed to take Jimmy a moment to realize that he'd been spoken to. Cody didn't press. He simply hugged Jimmy tightly to him and kissed the side of his head. In time Jimmy focused on him in the near darkness of the room.

"Will, darlin', I'm sorry I woke you…go on back to sleep. I'm fine."

"You're not fine, baby," Cody argued. "Talk to me."

"If I knew what it was…maybe I could. I just can't remember. All I know is I woke up scared and feeling like I couldn't hold you tight enough."

"I'm right here, baby," Cody assured him. "And you just hold on to me as tight as you need to. I ain't going nowhere."

"Why do I feel so scared then? Why do I feel like something is going to part us?"

"It's the difference between you and me. You see everything that can go wrong. As I recall it's saved our hides a few times. I see the good in things…I like to think that's been useful a time or two as well."

"I don't even know why being scared should rattle me," Jimmy grumbled. "I've always been scared. Life scared the hell out of me…death too. No one knows that but you."

"As long as I'm here you don't got to be afraid of anything."

"It don't work like that," Jimmy countered. "I just get different things to get scared of."

"What things, baby? Talk to me," Cody urged. "You're still shaking. Tell me what's scaring you."

"I'm scared it ain't real. I'm scared you couldn't really love me. I'm scared…I'm scared you'll realize I don't deserve you, that you deserve better. You'll leave me. I ain't got nothing in my life worth anything but you. If…if I lost…"

"Shh…it's okay baby," Cody whispered. "I ain't going nowhere. I spend a good deal of my time wondering what you see in me. I know you love me and I came to trust it but it wasn't always easy. I never could see what a man like you would see in me…what you could need from me, that you couldn't get elsewhere. I still don't see it."

"How could you not? I'm the one ain't got nothing to offer a man like you," Jimmy countered. "Will…I never had nothing good enough for you and now…I'm old and broken down before my time."

Cody looked long at the man in his arms. He knew Jimmy probably couldn't see much more than his outline. His night vision had been the first to go. But Cody's eyes had adjusted to the scant light that came from the streetlamps outside the window. He studied Jimmy, studied him hard. What he saw broke his heart. He wasn't new to the heartache that came with loving Jimmy. It wasn't even that the world saw their love as something wrong and shameful. It was seeing someone he loved with his whole being in such a constant pain. Tonight was worse than Cody had ever known. Jimmy was fading from him and he had to find a way to bring him back.

"Do you know when I first fell in love with you?" he asked.

"Don't matter," Jimmy sighed. "Only thing that matters is when you fall out of love."

"Not true. And won't happen, baby. It just won't. You should know this. It's important. I don't know why I never told you before. Maybe that was some of my fears at play…I don't know."

"Go on then."

"I've had a lot of time to think about this," Cody said. "All the times we were apart, I examined every moment we spent together. It was my comfort when I couldn't have you. When my bed was empty or occupied by the wrong person. I tried to pinpoint exactly when I fell in love with you. And when I realized that's what it was that I felt. They weren't the same time."

"I know…they weren't for me either."

"When did you…when did you know you loved me?" Cody asked. "Just out of curiosity."

"The second night of that ride Teaspoon sent us on," Jimmy said distantly as if he wasn't in the room with Cody anymore but somewhere else, somewhere distant in time and place. "We got us two hotel rooms. I told you we didn't have to use both of 'em but that we could all the same. It was up to you."

"I remember," Cody said fondly. "I was scared of you, you know. Something about how passionate you could be…how intense…it scared me. I didn't know what was going to happen at the hotel. I was a little scared you'd get us just one room and…I wouldn't have…I should have known better."

"No reason you would. I didn't show anyone anything but someone to be feared…especially men," Jimmy acknowledged. "If it makes you feel any better, I was a little scared of myself right about then. I was feeling things I didn't understand and acting on them without thinking. Just that afternoon, I was kissing you and my hands…I don't know if you remember. It seemed such a big deal at the time where they were heading. Don't so much now but it scared me then."

Cody gave a chuckle at that.

"Yeah, me too. I don't even know which scared me more, where you almost touched me or that I wanted you to. I did too. I wouldn't even fully admit it to myself at the time but I wanted to pull you back to me, kiss you more, let you touch me wherever you wanted."

"That would have been a mess because I didn't even know what I wanted then. Or maybe I just wasn't letting myself want it. I don't know."

Jimmy felt Will's arms tighten around him, encouraging him to speak more. It was always Will's way. Others might not believe that the great Buffalo Bill could shut his mouth for a full five seconds but Jimmy knew what patience he could have, what a good listener he could be, how comforting and quietly strong.

"Anyway," Jimmy continued his story. "I know I fell in love with you earlier that day at the ledge. I knew before that…I knew I cared for you in ways I didn't understand but I think I fell for you when we talked that little bit. You were braver than me. But I didn't know it for love until that night when I was waiting for you to make your choice. I wasn't sure at first what I wanted you to choose. But then it got later and later and I figured you'd made your choice and it was to stay in your own room. I know I said we'd do what you wanted but right then was when I realized that I wanted you to want to come to me. I wasn't thinking about your body or your eyes or even kissing you or touching you. I just wanted to have you close. I wanted you in my arms. I needed to feel you against me and know you were safe. I'd never had a thought like that before. Not about anyone. I thought I loved a couple times before but I never wanted to just have someone close, never needed to just hold them like I needed you then. I knew this had to be love. I wasn't ready to say it or admit it fully but that's when I knew I was in love with you."

Cody smiled against Jimmy's head allowing a few tears to fall into his lover's soft brown hair. He remembered that night well.

"That day was something special for both of us, it seems," Cody said choking past the lump in his throat. He always reacted this way to hearing Jimmy tell him he loved him. Remembering that day was always emotional as well. "I know when I fell in love with you…it was at the ledge. Right after the thunder interrupted us. You saw my back where the rocks had dug in. I hadn't even noticed but you kissed every spot that looked sore and you held me to you. No one had cared much about me getting hurt in such a long time. No one had…not like that, not in the caring way you did. You said you needed to take care of me. It felt good to think anyone wanted to look out for my safety. But then I looked at you and the scars you have. I was so scared, Jimmy. That's when I knew I was in love with you. I knew because I was absolutely terrified of anything happening to take you from me. I didn't understand it then but I know that's when I fell."

"When did you know?"

"Later that night," Cody replied. "I think I had an inkling when I chose to come to you. I just couldn't stay away. I think I had to see for sure you were alright and hadn't figured some way to get shot in a locked hotel room. It wasn't right away that I realized what I felt. It was when we'd gone to bed. Remember how awkward it was?"

He allowed a small laugh thinking how rigidly they had laid in the bed at first as if terrified of possibly brushing against the other.

"Once we got past that and you held me, I felt something so strong. My head was on your chest and I could hear your heart beating and you breathing and the low rumble of your voice. It was so tender and I felt safe. I pretended to not ever be scared but I rarely felt truly safe. I did in your arms. I knew I didn't have to be strong. I didn't have to pretend. I wasn't sure if you loved me but I knew damned well I was in love with you."

"I loved you sure enough by then," Jimmy assured him.

"I know," Cody said tenderly as he kissed the side of Jimmy's face. "I knew before you said the words."

"When?"

"The night before you said them…when we…"

"I don't want to talk about that," Jimmy said angrily. He knew exactly what Will was talking about. It was the first time they'd…come together. He didn't know how else to say it. Other ways just sounded vulgar though he knew the first time was vulgar. It was all wrong and he carried guilt for that.

"Well I do," Cody argued. "I was right after all. It did just take some practice. And I know you don't believe when I tell you but it didn't hurt…not really."

"Will…I felt you tense under me. I know it hurt. After all these years you can tell me the truth. I don't believe in Santa no more either."

"That is the truth. I wasn't used to how it felt. It was strange…but it was so exciting too. And it felt good. Not like it does now but good all the same. But that ain't how I knew you loved me."

"I can't see how that night or anything that happened then could tell you much about love," Jimmy said but Cody could hear the curiosity in his tone. At least this seemed to be distracting him away from his fearsome dreams. He'd even stopped shaking.

"I admit a good deal of what went on had more to do with lust than love, baby," Cody said easily. "I wanted you so bad…hell, I needed you. The very thought of you moving inside me, how powerful you can be…damn, Jimmy. You don't even know what you do to people. All I could think is how you kiss and if you…well, if you fucked like you kissed…"

Jimmy looked away. It wasn't that they minced words or that he was easily offended by crass language but he'd never thought of that word for what they did together. He used it for what happened with whores but not for their love.

"It was still about love, baby. Please understand that," Cody assured. "But I have to tell you that in the heat of a passionate moment…I wasn't thinking about love or forever or anything else that you mean to me. All I knew was I wanted to know what it felt like to have your body take command over mine."

"I don't think I get what you're trying to tell me."

"Because I haven't even gotten to the point yet," Cody sighed. "If you remember, you stopped and you weren't going to go through with it. You thought you were hurting me. I have to admit the first time you tried, I was gritting my teeth pretty hard."

"I knew I was hurting you," Jimmy said sadly.

"It wasn't bad but it's probably good you stopped when you did. If we'd've gone through with it like that, well, I don't know if we ever would have done that again and I'd hate to think what I would've missed out on over the years."

"If you got scared off of it, I might never have wanted…"

"I know," Cody told him. "Anyway, we tried again. We did it a little different though, remember?"

Jimmy nodded remembering Will's mouth on his hardness. Once he was good and covered in saliva, Will had once again shifted face down on the bed with his knees up under him. Jimmy remembered how hard he'd been, how much he wanted Will right then.

"You entered me so slow," Cody whispered. "I'm grateful because I know that made it easier but it was an excruciating process all the same. I remember almost pushing back against you to get you in me faster. But finally you were in and you paused and your hands moved from my hips around my chest and you asked if I was alright. I couldn't talk. It was a weird feeling and I was alright and even enjoying it but I couldn't quite form words. I nodded though and you started to move. You were so slow and gentle with me and your chest was tight to my back. Every thrust you kissed between my shoulder blades. I don't even know if you were aware you were doing it but…well, I knew you loved me then. One of your hands drifted lower and rubbed me until I came. But you kept that slow pace in and out of me. I knew you were holding back."

Cody paused, taking in a deep breath, "I think you were thinking about just pulling out without…but I gripped your arms tight around me so you couldn't pull away from me and I tightened my muscles around you so you had to…and you had to in me. When you came, before you softened and slid out of me, I felt your tears hot on my back. I almost cried myself. I don't think I'd ever quite known love like that before. I know you didn't say the words until the next day but I knew what you felt. Your actions have always spoken far louder than your words."

"I did love you then too. I still do…just as much."

"I know."

"I know all the reasons I love you but I just can't figure out why…why you're still…it don't make sense."

"Why I'm here? Why I love you?" Cody asked. "How long do you have? I don't even know if I can explain all the reasons I love you."

Cody felt Jimmy struggle in his arms. He knew it was coming. Jimmy never really felt he deserved the same love he gave so willingly and when he was in one of his moods, he'd try with all his might to push that love away. Cody held tight anyway.

"No you don't," Cody said sternly. "You don't get away from me. I won't let you."

"You're a fool."

"I might very well be but if I am, it ain't for loving you."

Jimmy just grunted.

"You know, in all the years we've known each other, all the time we've been together," Cody went on. "You never hurt me until recently. It's when you started all this…this hatefulness of yourself. You were never good at forgiving yourself like you would others but lately…baby, it hurts to hear you talk about yourself that way. It hurts when you can't see the good in yourself. It hurts when you won't listen to me."

"I do listen to you, darlin'," Jimmy said barely above a whisper. "I always listen. I just don't always agree with you."

"I don't care if you agree or not," Cody argued and then seemed to think better of his words. "Okay, I do care. It hurts me that you can't see what you mean to me, what you mean to a good number of other people as well. But…hear me and accept what I say to you. Nothing you say is ever going to change how I feel about you anyway so you might as well get used to it. It's been, oh hell, it must be fifteen years now. Give me some credit for knowing my heart and being able to handle love."

"I'm turning into just a burden," Jimmy said desolately. "You should have better."

"I don't even know what you're talking about, baby. You ain't ever been a burden to me."

"I can't hardly see anymore. One of these days I'm going to wake up and it's just going to be dark. I ain't no marksman no more. And you know I can't act. Only reason I got a penny to my name is on account of you putting me on the payroll and you know folks is trying to figure out why you done it. I ain't no good for this show. They come for the novelty but they don't come back once they've seen me. Your debt's paid…not that I think you ever had one but you done right by me. You done enough."

"What are you saying?" Cody asked fearing the answer.

"I'm saying you don't have to take care of me anymore."

"This was never a 'have to.' Never. Not for a moment was this ever a 'have to.' This ain't a debt. This is about keeping you close. This is an excuse to share your bed without anyone else knowing what we can't let them know. This is seeing you every day. This is being able to hold you when you're scared and having you to make me laugh when I get too bogged down in everything."

Cody looked desperately at Jimmy, his anger and frustration seething.

"Damn it, Jimmy! This is about wanting to be with the man I love! I know your skull is about two feet thick but even you have to know by now how I feel about you, what you are to me, what you give me."

"That's just it," Jimmy argued. "I don't give you a damned thing. Not anymore…maybe not ever. You give everything. I'm just saying you don't have to."

"That's just flat wrong, baby. You give me everything…my greatest regret is that I didn't insist that we just get us some land after the war and start us up a little ranch. Cows, horses…I don't even care. Just the two of us. We'd hire hands to do most of the work and be together. At night…well, ain't no one's business but ours how many bedrooms get used in the main house."

"I couldn't let you do that."

"I wish you would have," Cody said flatly. "Sure, I have hundreds of adoring strangers and every one of them is another reason I can't be with the only person in the whole wide world I ever been in love with. It's empty, Jimmy. Don't you see that? My life is empty except for when you're with me. You're the only one who sees anything other than Buffalo Bill."

"No I ain't."

"Lulu don't get the legend, that's for sure," Cody agreed. "But she gets a lie all the same. I never lied enough to tell her I loved her but I sure don't show my true self there either. And I'm not just talking about being in love with you…I mean, I can't show my true fears or talk about my dreams. Not with her."

"It don't matter. I can't keep taking charity from you."

"It does matter," Cody growled, his loss of patience becoming evident. "This ain't charity. Christ, Jimmy...everything you think I'm doing for you is pure selfishness on my part! I love you. I need you close and safe. All the things I've done in the past, anything I do in the days and years to come, I do to keep you with me, to keep you safe...can't you see that I have to do it? For me! Not for you."

The last was a faint whisper as if the thought was less for Jimmy's ears than Cody's conscience. Jimmy felt soft lips press firmly to his forehead and the heat of tears dripping onto his face from his lover's eyes.

"I've been afraid of losing you since the ledge," Cody continued. "Used to be if I could keep you with me, the fear went away. But lately...it's like you want to leave me. I begged you once not to make me go on without you. Do I have to beg again?"

"That was a long time ago...we was a lot younger," Jimmy said dismissively.

"Nothing's changed."

"Everything's changed."

"You tell me what's so different then," Cody demanded. "I still feel the same about you. I still feel half alive when you're away from me and overwhelmed by how much I love you when we're together. You just tell me what's changed so much!"

"Me!" Jimmy nearly roared. "I'm...I'm nothing anymore. Just...just a shadow, a shell. All hollowed out and empty."

"You're everything," Cody whispered through tears he had given up fighting. "You're all I could ever want. You're perfect."

Jimmy snorted an angry laugh.

"Remember when Lou was expecting her first?" Cody said fighting to keep his voice level. "She wondered what good she possibly was for all the limitations the doc put on her at the end. Kid didn't bat an eye."

"That's different...she was about to have a baby. And besides, men are supposed to take care of women."

"Baby...you and I know better than most that the way most people view men and women and how they should be ain't always the case…"

Cody was somewhere far beyond frustrated. He was getting desperate to get through to Jimmy.

"Okay then...when Sam got himself banged up...remember that? It was just a few years ago."

Jimmy nodded.

"Sam couldn't do anything for himself," Cody said. "He couldn't even wipe his own ass, Jimmy. And the doc wasn't sure he'd heal well enough to do much ever. They got lucky...or Emma got ornery and made him stay put 'til he healed...one or the other. But the point is that even knowing that he might never walk again or move his arms right...Emma never gave up on him. Someday he won't be able to walk, Jimmy. As he gets older those injuries are going to take their toll. Emma's going to be wheeling him in a chair and wiping his ass all over again. She ain't leaving though. She loves him and he loves her and that's more important than anything else."

"But they're…"

"Married?" Cody finished for him. "We would be too if I could figure out a way to make it happen. That certificate don't matter, baby. A preacher saying some words don't matter. What matters is that I love you and I'll love you when you can't see a single word or a single thing and I'll love you if you can't walk anymore. As long as I can feel your hand in mine, I will love you and I will want…"

He paused abruptly. The words weren't right. They weren't enough. Not honest enough. He fixed his piercing gaze on Jimmy and spoke with the uncontrolled passion he felt, the passion Jimmy just had to understand. "No, I will NEED you with me."

Jimmy tried to turn away from the intensity of Cody's eyes but Cody was having none of that.

"You don't get to hide from me," Cody growled. "I know your fears, but I ain't supposed to be one of 'em. Look at me."

Jimmy dared to look into his pale blue depths. The tenderness was more than he could bear. He knew he didn't deserve it. He never had and he knew he truly never would. But he wanted it, longed for it, whether he merited it or not.

"I don't fear you," Jimmy whispered. "I'll never fear you. I just fear relying on you too much and...maybe...maybe you're not there anymore."

"Where am I going to go?"

"It ain't so much I think you'd leave or turn your back on me but...I'm afraid of being helpless. I don't have many I can trust. Sam can rest easy knowing Emma'll be there and if you had your choice you'd take care of me when I can't do it for myself anymore...but what's your wife going to think about that? I can still get around but...I don't know how much longer my eyes are going to hold out. I can't ask it of you but...I'm scared of being alone in the dark forever."

"Baby...I won't let that happen…"

"You might not have control over it," Jimmy said. "I might not either."

"I guess that shouldn't surprise me. We ain't, either one of us, had the control over our lives that we wanted," Cody told him. "Seems the more we work to get some say in how things go, the less say we get. Trust me...it's all I'm asking. Just trust me. Stay close and trust me to figure something out."

"There isn't a way...don't you see? I'm going to lose you. I'm going to be reaching for someone who ain't there."

"Baby...just 'cause I ain't figured it out yet don't mean there's no way," Cody pulled Jimmy closer to him. "Just rest against me. I'm right here. You're safe. I got you."

Cody's arms tightened even more around the man in his arms. He stroked Jimmy's hair and up and down his back. Jimmy tensed as if poised to resist for a moment and then gave in and clung back.

Something about holding tightly to each other, clinging to one another against the world, felt right. It felt like the only right there was. Whatever some might say about the right and wrong, the morality of what they did or how they felt, Cody knew this was right. He knew it in his soul. God knew the hurt they each had suffered, knew their fears and sadnesses. And Cody would never doubt for a moment that it was a divine hand that had brought them each to the only one who could understand and give strength. It was too perfect to not be right and moral.

Besides, how could love ever be a bad thing? Cody and Jimmy both had seen many, far too many, of the evils the world had to offer. Love was not an evil. Love was the only thing that brought meaning to enduring the evil. Love was the only thing that made the fetid world around him palatable. Love was good and pure and love made sense of all the senselessness around them.

Cody became aware of Jimmy moving within his arms. Jimmy's face was right next to his own, their cheeks pressed together, Jimmy's lips and long mustache tickling at his earlobe.

"You said something about how I kiss," Jimmy began, his breath hot and his voice a sultry, rumbling whisper insistent as the baking winds of mid-July. Something within Cody shifted and he felt as he had all those years ago when they'd begun this journey together. He could only stare at the shadowy features before him. "You said you needed to know if I fucked like I kissed."

Cody could only nod, his mouth suddenly dry as Jimmy's head turned slightly allowing their lips to meet. It was a tender pressure at first, quenching as rain waters in the desert. But then Jimmy's mouth opened and was insistent, demanding. It was everything Cody had felt in their first accidental kiss when they each had thought they were kissing Miss Clara Cassidy. It was power and masculinity embodied and Cody was powerless to it. Of course he didn't care at all. He had no desire to resist.

Jimmy's kisses always made him feel so much. Sometimes they were so gentle and soft that Cody would nearly weep for the care he felt. But sometimes they were like this, powerful and commanding. They were kisses no woman could have ever offered him and they were the kisses he most craved.

Far too soon for Cody's liking, Jimmy pulled away.

"That anything like the kisses you was talking about?"

Cody could only nod dumbly.

"Tell me...what was the verdict? Do I fuck like I kiss?"

For once Cody was grateful for Jimmy's failing eyesight as the shadows in the room would be able to conceal the flush in his cheeks. Jimmy was capable of tying him in knots he had no desire to truly unravel but Cody didn't always like Jimmy to know exactly how much power he wielded.

"Well," Cody began, his voice dripping with impish coyness. "I'm trying to think."

It was getting harder to keep his playful demeanor as Jimmy had rolled atop him and was assaulting his neck with kisses.

"I think...I think…" Cody was panting and writhing under Jimmy's lips that were working their way down his chest.

"You think what?" Jimmy growled softly against his lover's belly.

"I think you need to remind me."

"Old age affecting your memory?" Jimmy chided.

"Something is...pretty sure it's your fault though."

Jimmy was suddenly feeling a little better. He knew all the reasons he would eventually find himself alone and even knew enough to admit it would be his fault when he did. But right then, his Will was in his arms, under his lips and beginning to moan in pleasure beneath him. He even shocked himself speaking as he did but then...maybe something new could stave off how old he felt he was getting for a while.

His fingers grazed over Will's hips followed by his lips that caressed the sensitive skin there. Jimmy was rewarded with a soft sigh as his fingers trailed along the insides of Will's thighs. The skin there was so soft, almost delicate and was met with kisses equally delicate from Jimmy.

Will was quivering beneath Jimmy's mouth and rocking his hips in a desperate need to bring Jimmy closer to where he really wanted him to kiss.

Cody heard Jimmy's chuckle as he felt the breath against his thighs. He knew what was coming. He knew the passion, the fury with which Jimmy could make love. He knew how completely Jimmy could and would command his body, how forcefully he would move within him, how powerfully he would thrust. But he also knew of the tender and gentle man who was now kissing ever closer to where his legs met.

There was no physical need for such foreplay. Cody was hard and more than ready to move forward and what felt like dripping iron was pressed to his own thigh. Jimmy had been ready, it seemed. This was about…love. This was a reminder of how much Jimmy loved him, how tender he could be, how caring. This was a declaration of love as poetic as any ever written in great works of literature. This was the essence of who they were together.

Jimmy relished the soft pleasured sounds Will was offering. His fingers and lips drifted upward. If they went far enough they would find Will's hardened need dripping with desire but first his fingers and then his tongue settled on the soft pouch of skin beneath.

The bed shook as Will's head thrust backward into his pillow. Jimmy felt Will's fingers tangle into his hair as he sucked the tender flesh into his mouth, caressing it with his tongue. As his mouth worked, his fingers trailed to the waiting hardness and grazed lightly causing Will's hips to jump.

Jimmy felt around for the tin he knew was still somewhere on the mattress. They had fallen asleep tangled together and hadn't bothered with putting it away before. His hands landed on the tin and, without releasing his mouth from the delicate flesh, he opened the tin and coated his fingers generously. His mouth traveled upward as he trailed his tongue over Will's need and upward still toward Will's succulent lips. His fingers ran over Will's opening but not inside, not yet.

Cody opened his mouth to speak, to beg for Jimmy to just take him already. But before he could, Jimmy's mouth crashed into his. Cody's senses were under assault as the full length of Jimmy's body pressed to his and Jimmy's finger pushed diligently into him, beginning to prepare the way. Jimmy's tongue ravaged his mouth and Cody could not help the groan that escaped him. In very few situations would he surrender himself so completely. In fact, he couldn't think of a one except for this one. As powerful and dangerous as Jimmy could seem, Cody knew he was safe here. He could let go and be taken over by another. He could lay bare his fears, his pain, his insecurities. No harm would ever come to him from Jimmy. He was protected and cared for.

The kiss ended and Cody looked into the shadowy face above him. He couldn't see Jimmy's features for the darkened room but he could see the scant light glinting off of the unshed tears in the man's eyes. Cody raised his hands and glided his fingers over Jimmy's face.

"I love you, darlin'," Jimmy whispered.

Cody's heart leapt nearly out of his chest for the naked honesty of Jimmy's feeling for him. That leaping heart caused his pelvis to buck into Jimmy's hand, forcing him deeper.

"Show me, baby," Cody growled. "Show me how you love me."

To emphasize his point, Cody wrapped his hand around Jimmy's arousal and squeezed.

"I'm yours, baby, only yours," he panted. "Remind me what that means."

Jimmy could hold back no longer. He pulled away from Will and rolled the man over beneath him, encouraged by the way Will tucked his knees underneath himself. Even in the poor light and with his failing eyes, Jimmy could see what was being presented to him. With no further preamble, he plunged himself deep inside Will to a half-groaned hiss, "Yes."

Holding himself still within his lover, Jimmy draped his torso over Will's back and planted kisses between Will's shoulder blades. Will wriggled beneath him and that was his cue to move.

Jimmy began slowly at first. He would withdraw almost entirely and then wait a beat before slowly pushing back in. Nothing in his life had ever felt this good or right. He could not help but marvel at how perfectly they fit together, as if built for this one, sole purpose.

It wasn't long before he could no longer continue the torturously slow pace in and out of Will. His thrusts sped and deepened. He felt Will's fingers digging into his thighs as his hand snaked around to the front of his love and grabbed a hold of something that needed serious attention.

Cody pushed back against Jimmy, deepening every thrust, needing to have him completely, fully. His pleasure built not only from Jimmy's firm grasp and expert ministrations but also from the image in his head of Jimmy's firm backside tightening with every forward motion, how the muscles would be rippling within his powerful legs. He could hear Jimmy's groans and half-formed words and the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. He tried to relax himself around Jimmy to prolong this, although Jimmy seemed a ways from his release. It was a futile attempt as he felt the heat, sticky and thick, as it spurted over his belly, bent knees and Jimmy's fingers.

Jimmy paused a moment when Will exploded in his hand. He pressed his chest tighter to Will's back and placed a tender kiss behind Will's ear.

"Who do you belong to, Billy?" he whispered huskily.

"You, baby," Cody panted still reeling from the pleasure that was only beginning to dissipate. "My heart, my soul…my body," he accentuated the last word with a tightening of his muscles around his lover. "All yours…everything, yours."

"That's right," Jimmy growled with a low and predatory chuckle. "Mine. Every inch of you. All mine."

Cody couldn't believe that Jimmy could get harder or larger within him…it wasn't as if this was their first go 'round. It wasn't even their first this night. Yet he did grow larger and firmer. Cody felt himself pulled upward and obliged Jimmy by situating himself on hands and knees. He felt Jimmy straighten behind him and spread his knees to give himself a more solid stance.

The feel of Jimmy pushing even deeper into him, the knowledge of how Jimmy's back would arch, curled Cody's toes and caused something to spring back to life that should have, by rights, been dead for the rest of the night. But there it was, firm and wanting.

Jimmy grasped Will's hips tightly and pressed as deeply into him as he could get before slowly pulling backward and once again pressing forward as deep as he could. He felt Will shift to bring his hand to his own desperate organ but Jimmy moved his hands to Will's shoulders.

"Don't worry about that right now," he rumbled. "I'll see to that myself if you're good and patient."

Cody nodded and barely got his arm back under him to properly balance before Jimmy began in earnest. This was not making love. There was love in it, under it, behind it. But this was fucking. There was not another word for it in Cody's mind and sometimes he just really needed to be fucked. And he had just been toying with Jimmy earlier. He knew damned well that Jimmy fucked just like he kissed…insistent, commanding, rough…even dangerous. Cody knew where he belonged and to whom. They had always belonged just like this and had only had to discover their purpose.

Jimmy rapidly thrust himself into Will, his fingers digging deeper into the soft flesh of his hips. Again and again he plunged into those heavenly depths as he felt the pleasure run toward its ultimate release. His body stiffened and with each thrust he let out a roaring growl as his essence flowed into the man he loved.

Cody felt Jimmy's sweat slicked body drape over his back and then roll to the side. The sun was beginning its march above the horizon now and Cody could make out the sated features of his lover. He could also see the fire of passion still burning in the golden pools of the man's eyes.

Jimmy pushed him onto his side and scooted down the bed to wrap his lips around what was now a pressing, and leaking, need. Fingers fondled the now very sensitive flesh hanging below and when Jimmy's mouth pulled away, it turned upward in a self-satisfied smile.

"How about you just let me know how we should take care of this, darlin'," Jimmy said almost lazily as his fingers traveled lackadaisically over the highly sensitized flesh of Cody's groin.

Cody felt around for the tin and rolled onto his back upon finding it. He could see lust fill Jimmy's eyes as he looked upon the proof of his arousal.

Making as much a show of it as he could stand, Cody rubbed the grease over his nearly painful erection causing it to grow and weep in need.

"Ride me, baby," he rasped when he could not take it a moment longer.

Many was the time Cody had watched Jimmy astride his horse at a full gallop and had envied the horse for the easy way Jimmy's hips rocked with the natural rhythm of the horse's stride. It wasn't that Jimmy had never ridden him in this way…it was precisely that he had.

Cody looked up as he watched Jimmy position himself above him. He knew he allowed a groan when Jimmy took him deftly in his strong hand to help guide him home. And it was home. Home was supposed to be where a body belonged and Cody knew his body belonged with Jimmy's.

He resisted the urge to thrust his hips upward and allowed Jimmy to slowly lower himself. Cody then waited for Jimmy to shift around to find the right spot. Neither knew what the spot was called but there was something inside that shot incredible bolts of pleasure straight through them when it was touched.

Jimmy lifted onto his knees and moved around until the wonderful spot was brushed against. He knew Will saw the look of bliss cross his face and then felt Will's hips buck upward to lodge himself more firmly against this spot.

From there, Cody set the rhythm as a horse nudged to a gallop and Jimmy was merely along for the ride. Every second or third thrust upward hit the spot that sent waves of pleasure flowing out through Jimmy's body. Then he felt the hand close around his, once again, erect member and move in time with their rhythm.

Everything seemed to happen all at once. Cody's breath became ragged and his thrusts equally so as his body stiffened and he released deep within the man straddling him. Jimmy's heat hit points across Cody's chest, the first of it making it all the way to his neck.

Jimmy collapsed forward guided by Will's strong arms that cradled him as they rolled sideways, curled together.

"That was some riding that would put my performers to shame," Cody whispered into Jimmy's hair with a small laugh.

"Well, I am a professional," Jimmy replied. "Didn't find any of those moves in Teaspoon's bag of tricks either."

"Still scared?"

"Yeah…not as bad as before. I think I'm feeling too damned good but I'm always a little scared."

"Me too, baby," Cody confessed softly. "I don't know what's to become of you or of us. But I love you. I will love you until the last breath leaves me. It's important you know that. No matter what happens…no matter how bad things get…no matter how bad you get to feeling about yourself. I love you. You can always come home to me, baby."

Jimmy couldn't find the words to answer Will's. He simply nodded as his tears forged tracks down his cheeks.

* * *

**My poor Bills! Well, not too poor I suppose what with taking their cue from Marvin Gaye and all but still...so much hurt...**

**As always, I have to thank my darling Beulah for riding shotgun with me on this story. You will never know what you mean to me, my dear friend. New to the Bills is dear Leola. Sweetie...you...your words, your kindness...mean so very much to me and to the Bills as well. Thank you!**

**For all of you who keep following these stories...all twenty or so of you...thank you also. I know that this isn't the pairing that many ever imagined and certainly when I wrote the first one, even I was taken by surprise. But there is something so very pure in their love and to quote one of my favorite poets, e e cummings, "love is the whole and more than all" **

**Any and all comments are welcome although I do appreciate that none so far have attempted to make the review page for these stories their personal pulpit against homosexuality. I am sure some have glanced at these stories and been offended and I applaud that they have obviously chosen to live and let live without spouting off. I have my beliefs but try to allow this to simply be a love story without hopping too blatantly on my soap box. Still feedback is welcome...this one got more...uh...I'm not even sure the word for it than most of these stories...but the boys were insistent about what happened and the words they chose. Who am I to argue? These are their stories, not mine...not really.-J**


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